It used to be nice and simple. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, second date is dinner, third is breakfast and the rest is history. But something came along and shook that up. Now it’s more like, boy meets girl through friend on Facebook, spies on her page, brings up her favourite interests at dinner and breakfast moves to the first date. Or they met on Twitter so they already know the minutiae of each other’s lives and the conversation is so familiar, it’s almost awkward and a bit weird. And as for meeting people online? Well that was the reserve of ‘weirdo’s who couldn’t get a date in real life. How it’s changed.
Image courtesy of yelp.com
Social networks have had a profound effect on human behaviour. You can know someone and their friends incredibly intimately, before you’ve even met them. There’s no such things as blind dates anymore, unless their Facebook settings are on private of course. Is this a good thing? I’s certainly taken the mystery out of it. If you know your dates name and where they live then you have access to a whole host of information to get to know them before you really know them. Think about it…
Want to see them at their worst?
Okay, so everyone’s capable of putting up their best picture as their avatar. Sometimes they can be deceptive, with the best of intentions. Thanks to tagging on Facebook, you can now see your potential boyfriend/girlfriend in a whole range of pictures so you can see them in their true colours. It may not be as pretty as their profile picture, but at least there’ll be no nasty surprises on the way. Same goes for Flickr.
Looking for witty dinnertime banter?
If you really want to do your research ahead of the first date, there’s a wealth of information at your fingertips. You can just stick your dates name into LinkedIn to look at their career history. Do a bit of research around their previous roles and companies and you have a whole host of banter to unleash at the dinner table, that’ll certainly get your date talking. Just practice your interested face if they tell you about a previous job that you already know all about, but don’t want to let on just how much you’ve been ‘researching’ them online.
Cut to the chase
You could spend time on those early first dates finding out about each other’s interests, but there really is no need when they’re all listed on Facebook anyway. Just look at their favourite books or films and drop these in to get the conversation going. If they’re not too savvy about their privacy settings on Facebook, then you’ll be lucky enough to do this even without having to be their friend on there first, so you still have the element of surprise for knowing them so well.
Don’t want to be stuck with a loner?
Not a problem, simply put their name into Facebook or Twitter and see how many friends they’ve accrued. How many group photos are there? This will easily enable you to see how popular they are and how much they like to socialise. Then you can decide if they’re really right for you without even having to meet them first. What a time saver.
If in doubt, Google ‘em
If at the end of all that research you still don’t know if they’re the one for you, put their name into Google. If there’s anything really bad worth knowing about, Google will have it covered so you can save on a few awkward conversations and excuses not to see them anymore.
The above situation is entirely possible thanks to social media and I’m sure that some, if not all, of the above are regularly carried out by potential couples, or at least one half of them. The issue of being open with your social network profiles and the implication for current or prospective employers is regularly discussed, but dating receives a lot less attention. It’s an everyday situation that we all find ourselves in and it’s yet another area of life that has been radically transformed by social media. To some extent, it’s changed it for good. Online dating is now a regular and acceptable activity and not something to be ashamed of. You could even argue, at a stretch, that in a time pressured society like ours, social media helps you to filter out the rubbish a lot more quickly than sitting through an entire dinner to find out you are in no way matched.
Like I said, it’s completley hypothetical, but entirely plausible nonetheless and I know people that have carried out one or more of these activities on at least one occasion. Where this is the case, something is being lost. Something in the physical subtleties of human contact, whether for dating or friendships. What if their entire bio on Facebook was written in jest, but you can’t pick this up in the tone? What if they have the Facebook app that lets you see who checks out your profile the most and a bit of harmless peeking looks like potential stalking to a date? An extreme example maybe, but it certainly highlights just how much we’re changing as a society and how online communication is affecting so much of everyday life.
Does anyone have their own stories of social media and dating? 
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lol! I might have some stories of social media & dating, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned about social media- it’s to be very prudent about what I share online
Haha, very wise Claire
Oh no, this works a lot better in the U.S than Europe I think. Although to some extent here as well. Let’s just share everything about our lives, that way we don’t have to remember what we’re supposed to share… or do we?
S’right ladies. Google Image Search me. Check out them guns.
http://www.theage.com.au/ffximage/2009/04/28/wbAFLGcoughlan_wideweb__470×393,0.jpg
And yes, I do come here often. And you can buy me drink, I’ll allow it.
Wow, is that really you?! You wouldn’t be lying now Mark?
I would strongly recommend people against Googling me, lest they confuse me with a harmonica-playing TV director who both designs websites AND does P2P engineering work under the name “Quinthar”
But your harmonica playing is what we know and love you for! That, and your amazing directing skills of course.
You left out the NFL player and ESPN reporter currently on trial for being a peeping tom. Our name is a popular one.
Likewise, googling me may suggest that I’m a musician involved in “gypsy prog rock”, amongst other things. Come to think of it, chicks dig that sort of thing *turns down SEO knobs on real identity*
Seriously though, aside from privacy management for different groups, I think some of the potential problems come back to this weird idea a lot of folks seem to have, about online vs “real life”. Come across it a lot on forums – folks seem to think they can behave any way or say anything because “it’s not like it’s real life”. Maybe it’s because I build tech for a living and that removes a lot of the mystique, but I never understood that line of thinking – the internet isn’t magic, it’s just another communications medium. (That and being over-optimistic about the anonymity of the web) As your post amply demonstrates, treating your “online” and “offline” existence as two completely unrelated things can have consequences, and not just in job interviews
That said, as your last paragraph alludes to, a lot of folks communicate pretty differently in written and spoken contexts, worth bearing in mind when you’re sizing up potential targets. That smooth and witty blogger might turn out to be too shy and retiring to get through the soup course, or the wise and confident advisor may turn out to be at the loud and braying end of the scale
On balance though, more communication and more data wins out. Internet ftw.
Btw, those gloves with the stars on the back of the hand are pretty cool
Thanks for the comment Dave, really insightful. Your point about online vs offline life is interesting – it’s a post I’ve been thinking about writing for a while. Some of the behaviour you come across online you just wouldn’t encounter in ‘offline’ life. There shouldn’t be a difference, but there undoubtedly is. Not least the language that can be levelled at people who have never even met before. The ability to hide behind an identity has a big part to play there I think. The problems obviously come when, if you keep these 2 identities, you meet these online connections in offline situations. Like you said, there can be consequences.
I like to think that I keep the same identity online and offline – I don’t really see a need to be any other way. I know I’ve certainly met people that I’ve got to know through Twitter etc… and you couldn’t tell it’s the same person. An interesting look into the human psyche anyway and the differences in verbal and written communication.
On your last point, you’ve completely lost me on gloves with stars?!
Indeed, no doubt a shrink or sociologist would have some explanation for it, either way it’s one of a few aspects of folks’ interaction with technology that always puzzled me a bit. Think the BBC had a brief piece on that a while back in fact, can’t seem to find it though.
Personally, I find most of the folks who’s online doings I’d have particular respect for, tend to come across in a very similar manner “offline”. May be something in that.
Re the gloves, may have gone too subtle on that reference – in considering my response to the post, happened across a photo of girl standing on what appears to be bridge at night in Budapest a couple years back
I too think that I remain the same, offline as online. As for my data online, it rarely happens, but I have untagged myself in the occasional facebook/flickr photograph. This is simply because I like to have as much control over the information that’s available about me, through not publishing anything I will stupid, and removing what I can.
Yes we could all be ‘private’ but I enjoy being open. The key is to behave in the way you would offline, and say/publish only what you would want your grandmother to see etc.
As for twitter dating… that is an interesting one.
Well I guess that’s a good barometer to have! I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting to maintain some level of control over the information/photos that are about you online. The problem comes I think, when people aren’t fully aware of how much information could be available publicly. Thinking of the new Facebook privacy settings here…
Indeed, therein lies the problem – people aren’t smart enough to investigate these things; to realise that some of those photos really shouldn’t be there/publicly viewable and generally filter the information that is on the web about them.
When you begin using a new thing, whether it’s a website/social network, desktop application, or an offline device, all buttons should be pressed and pages viewed – just to find out what they all do. Most people don’t do this.
Teaching people about privacy online has been something many websites have done for years, and for anyone to miss something about Facebook’s privacy they have clearly been living under a rock, for want of a better phrase.
While I’ve met lots of real life friends online, I’ve never met a real life lover. I do have a painfully shy, but wonderfully bright and funny friend who has never managed to do that well with the ladies. I often think he should bring his laptop to the pub, and when girls try to talk to him he should just show them some of his blog posts. They’d wet themselves laughing and take him home in a jiffy. Unfortunately, it just don’t work like that!
Haha, that’s a nice idea! Maybe a pub’s not the best setting for that approach though
No matter how much you might convince yourself otherwise, you can never really be the same online as off-line. When you’re inputting, the body language and facial expressions that can make such a difference to how you intend your message to be received are missing. That inevitably leads to misunderstandings.
Equally well, someone who’s incredibly witty on a blog may well be stuck for words in reality, without the time to think, consider and revise.
If an online relationship is going to translate successfully into an off line one, it needs time to develop and grow. The photo and the cv (resume) shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all.
Still, while we’re all wondering if the photo is real or not, here’s a very funny video of just how disappointing the reality vs the online profile can be…http://ow.ly/MGDz
Interesting points – I always try and inject a bit of emotion into my tweets etc.. which I think is why I use smileys a little too much!
The subtleties of body language are incredibly important and while that’s something that you do lose online, I think we’re learning new ways of incorporating these into online conversations, just in different ways. It’s still near-impossible to read sarcasm though and unless I know someone particularly well, it’s hard to know how to respond sometimesl. You can’t quite tell if they’re making fun or not!
What are ya talking about Lauren, it’s really easy to read sarcasm online. REALLY easy.
Oh yeah, you’re right. Another insightful comment from you there Mark, as usual.